A Random Post

So today has been really up and down for me. I'm going to do my best to explain why.

So first thing, I woke up and couldn't find my glasses.  And while to most people this wouldn't be a bad thing, I am practically blind without my glasses. I was literally standing in the middle of my room staring at the carpet, when my dad got home.  He asked what was wrong and I answered in the frustrated voice, "I can't find my glasses." My dad just laughed because this happens to me a lot.

Nike: Just Do It (And stop lollygagging)

Show of hands, how many people say they are going to do something and never get around to it? My hand is up! Today after I did my first energy working session (guided by the Inner Temple) I got back into my bed for my daily nap.  Yes at the age of 20 I have a daily nap. I have issues falling asleep at night.  I have two major theories of why I have this issue.

1. I’m sleeping on my own.  And by on my own I mean without someone I love and trust beside me.  I have slept with my boyfriend during the day and at night and I’ve never had a problem with sleeping.  He has the weird way to spoon us together so that his arm doesn’t go to sleep but I still have the benefit of having both arms around me.  I don’t know what it is about having him by my side but sleep is just so much more everything.  I’m happier to go to sleep, I stay asleep longer (unless my alarm goes off), and I’m happy when I wake up.
2. When I take my nap during the day I often have my altar set up and “working”. Pretty much I have candles lit, maybe a stick of incense, and just the various bits on my altar table (which is really a bin). When I go to bed at night, my altar is still and quiet.  I don’t want to take the risk of my mother bursting into my room for whatever reason and seeing candles and incense and “A KNIFE” (aka my athame) laying on my altar.  She is already iffy about my having the little corner set up in the first place.  It makes her uncomfortable.  So I feel a sense of peace coming from my little altar when it is in use. 

But I’ve been putting off any major spiritual work.  And I’m not sure why.  I was postponing before I got sick from my flu shot.  And then as I took my baby steps today, I had a mini AHA moment.  I was afraid to do any work without anyone to hold my hand.  I’m a solitary eclectic wiccan that’s afraid to do spiritual work by myself.  How ludicrous is that?! Then it occurred to me that I’m probably not the only solitary witch that has performance anxiety. With no one to guide you, how do you know what’s right?

Then you have to stop to think about the Wiccan Rede, “An it Harm None, Do What Thou Will”. So if I’m not hurting me, or anyone else, I’m good to go.  And so that’s how I’m going to have to start looking at everything I do.  Am I hurting myself or anyone else? If not, become Nike and just do it. I won’t learn if I keep postponing because I’m worried of not having the training to achieve my goals.  The Gods will guide me on my path, and I will shape my future.  You can’t move forward without taking the first step.

A Change

So today I decided to switch things up and show off yet another side of myself.  I like being able to show different sides of who I am.  There is more to me than just rocker side to me. Everyone has multiple sides to their personality.  Different facets of the same jewel. This is how I see the God and Goddess.  There is really one deity, but they have multiple facets which is where the different names and different reasons the Gods are worshipped.

Supporting Your Partner

 

So I started writing a different post about my parents forcing me to slap together a Christmas list, but the more I typed the more I could see that my post was talking about supportive people in my life versus those that are not supportive. So without further waiting, lets get into it.

I’ve come to find that in any relationship, one of the keys to success is supporting your partner. Everyone wants to have someone support them and make them feel loved and special. Isn’t that the whole reason we want love? To find someone who makes you feel alive! passionate, tender, loved, cherished, safe. Someone who picks you up when your down, stands by your side when your back is against the wall, protect you when you feel you can’t fight anymore.  I am obviously a hopeless romantic.  And all the garbage I have been through hasn’t changed that.

I was so afraid to come out of the broom closet to Edward, because of my experience with one of my exes.  He bashed my Wiccan practice and pretty much scared me back into the broom closet.  I know that religion and politics and occasionally video games can ruin a relationship.  And I was letting the fear from my previous relationship control me.  Finally I slipped up and ousted myself.  Initially he reacted the way I expected him to. He outright said that he didn’t like it.  And I automatically started putting up walls and trying to distance myself from him.  I didn’t want to stay in love with someone that couldn’t accept such a huge part of my life.  We were talking about living together and I’m worrying myself sick because I felt I wouldn’t be able to live with him and practice and learn about my spirituality.  I didn’t know what to do.

But one day somehow we came onto the subject again.  I’m not sure if it was before we had our temporary split or after but the subject of us moving in together came up again.  Now I know people might be reading this and thinking what the hell does them moving in together have to do with her spirituality?! Patience.

During the conversation I came out and told him that I was uncomfortable with the idea of us living together if the result was going to be me living the way I am currently living.  I didn’t want to move from one closet to another closet. And he did something that completely caught me off guard and just further solidified the love I felt for him.  He told me he didn’t know much about Wicca other than what he had seen on tv and the stuff he had seen seemed bad.  But he continued and told me that he loved me and that he wouldn’t want to imprison me the way my family had.  As long as I gave him heads up so he didn’t walk in on me doing a ritual, I would be free to do what I want. He was willing to learn the basic knowledge of Wicca just so he would have an understanding of who I am.

No one has ever done that for me.  Not my parents, not my exes, no one. Everyone has always had their opinion and was trying to tell me what to do.  Here he comes, someone that could easily turn on me, and he is willing to let me be who I am and learn a little to make me happy.  That’s support! That’s love! And me being Wiccan has resulted in me finding a way to deal with my issue with him.  My bf likes the plant. I don’t like the smell of it and so I was afraid to live with him because he would want to smoke it in the apartment and our place would smell nasty.  But within the past week I have discovered two things.

1. Nag Champa incense covers the smell up. I gave him all of my incense cones because my mother told me she didn’t want me burning incense in the house because it smelled like pot.  So I gave it to him before leaving his house to run some errands. I came back and apparently he had just finished “enjoying nature” (as I call it) and I couldn’t smell it at all.  So he’s happy, I’m happy and its one less thing off my mind.
2. Burning sage also covers up the smell. Now I don’t know this one from first hand experience.  One of my intagram followers and his wife (haunthallow and tnicole13)  just moved into a new location and burned sage to cleanse the place.  And apparently the smell is similar to pot. I don’t know how similar it is because I haven’t fully smudged and cleansed a space yet.  But I am looking forward to the opportunity. 

So this is going to be my first blog post in a while and I would love to know what people think!

Altar Images!

So this isn't going to be a lot of typing, more of a lot of photos.  Or maybe an equal amount of both.  So I'm going to share photos of my dresser top altar, and  the drawer of where I keep all of my other items.

A Few Poems

So one of my ways of channeling my emotions is to write.  So I decided that I'm going to share some of the things I have written.

Writer's Block #1
Some days I think my gift is gone,
Vanished like an old lover
traded for a few pumps in a dark room

Some days I can pen my soul away
The words I write coming from my blood
Sweet love

Some days I think my pen is taunting me
I can see her connecting with the paper
but the words won't come out
like trying to touch a hand on the other side of a glass wall

Lover's Caress
Ignite me,
Spark to my fire
Bare before one another,
Accept me into you.
Our heat warms me,
envelops me
infuses my limbs,
from the depths of my soul to the palms of my hands
to the soles of my feet and back.
Electric current.
Claim me,
clinging to your strength
Be my anchor
sweet lover,
warlord prince to my queen

Deeply Personal Scars
The pain inside my chest
squeezing my heart
contricting my lungs
emotionally suffocating.
"Make it stop" I cry to no avail.
I'm shattering,
alone, stranded on an island
in the midst of a swirling sea of self loathing.
Emotional malestrom
Inescapable.
Nowhere left to go
as this chasm expands within me.
More self hate from being called obscenities
absoption at a cellular rate.
Slut, whore, devil worshiper, freak, bitch,
idiot, skank, dirty, unclean.
NO ONE WANTS YOU.
Recorded by my heart, burned into my mind.
The pain keeps building.
I need to let it out,
before I explode.
A slash here,
a jab there,
ruby rivulets running down.
My arm, my hip, my breast
each kiss of steel
transmuting emotional pain
into physical pain
bringing my emotional wounds to the surface
My flesh may sting but my mind and soul are intact

Semi exciting news!!!

Every once  a blue moon (haha not literally) I go out to a social function, party, etc.  I'm not much of a party girl.  No strike that I'm not a party girl at all.  I go if my younger (because she feels she is too old to be called little) sister wants me to go with her but otherwise I don't venture that far from home.  I go out to eat, I go to she movies, I may even go to Frankies Fun park (its like a step up from Chuck E. Cheese but not on the same page as Dave & Busters) but thats about it. 

But this Friday I'm going out to a going away party for a former coworker. So that means makeup and dressing up.  Because there isn't much I know how to do with my hair and I don't want to experiment on the one night I get out on my own.

Did I tell my boyfriend I was going out, yes.  Why? Simply because while we've been dating through our ups and downs he has always worried about me and he's very sweet to me.  Also whenever he goes out to hang out with his friends he tells me.  Even though its right around the corner, and he does it so routinely that I don't feel he needs to tell me, he tells me anyway.  He also calls me when he makes it back in the house.  Its the random little things he does that makes me happy.  So I feel its only common courtesy to tell him my plans. 

Randomly Me

I've been debating on what I was going to post about for the past few days.  I don't want my blog to be strictly spiritual or strictly food, or fashion, etc.  I tend to bounce around in life a lot so I want my blog to be as true to me off the internet as possible.  I don't know if that statement made any sense. 

What I'm trying to say is that I want my blog to show who I am in reality.  I'm not just making up stuff so people will read my blog.  I'm not trying to be the next big web sensation, I'm just being who I am.  And I happen to be extremely random.  If you've watched any of my youtube videos you notice I start on one subject and then I end up talking about something else, before getting back on my first topic.  That's just who I am. 

Also I want to say this now so it never comes up in the future.  Anything I choose to blog or vlog about is because I want to.  Like I say in my videos feel free to leave me suggestions, but I do not have to do what you want if I choose not to.  Its my page and I will do what I please. This statement is stemming from my household.  I've been told not to post evil things on my blog and youtube....Really pisses me off.

OOTD

So I finnaly got my boots.  You know the ones that I've been lusting after for a month.  I saw them August 4th, the day I temporarily broke up with my bf (more on that later), and knew they were menat to be mine.  Everyone, pagan or not, knows when something is meant to be theres.  It just calls to you, and you know its meant to be yours. Thats how these boots made me feel.  I ran my hand over the leather and I knew they were meant to be on my feet.  Only problem was they were $175 without tax.  Lucky for me I went out with my mother for Labor Day, and we went to the Belk at Columbiana Mall.  This mall is bigger than the one nearby my house.  It has a full size Sephora (in love!) and a White House, Black Market (not a huge fan) and a few other stores I like.  More on those later. Anyway my mom told me not to try on the boots, but I didn't listen and slipped my foot into it.  The heel felt weird because its tight on your heel even though the ankle portion is loose.  This didn't deter my love for the boots. I was on my way to return them when I overheard the cashier telling a few other customers about a sale that was going to take place thursday from 5-9 and the shoes would be 20% off.  But if you wanted you could have them hold the shoes for you and charge you the 20% off price.  I waited until I had my chance and I asked if my boots would be on sale.  The sales lady told me yes.  In that moment I went to shoe heaven.  So yes I bought them.  And I had the first opportunity to wear them today because I went to see the Air Force Recruiter with my dad today. So this is what I paired with my boots.

 So I wore my Rock and Republic top that I bought from Kohl's.  I love this shirt. It combines skulls and roses, two of my favorite things.

This isn't the best photo but I was trying to show the flowiness of the shirt and how even though its a small its still pretty big.

So I paired these with my coated black skinny jeans from New York and Company.  They were having a sale by one pair of jeans or pants and get the second pair free.  I went for these jeans and also grabbed another pair.  But the other pair were the more expensive ones so these were free.  Can't beat it when you get what you want and save money.

 

And of course I added these gorgeous Sam Edelman Adele boots.  They just scream me!

And because I don't want to feel naked I added my Dragon Shield. 

A Piece of Me Spiritually

So this is going to my introduction to my spiritual side.

I was always Wiccan inside.  A lot of people will understand what I mean.  I felt the Goddesses presence at an early age and it never left me as I grew up.  It just manifested itself in different forms as I grew up. 

I always had a fascination with rocks, and crystals at an early age. I would pick up a random stone every chance I was able to.  Of course when I first started out they were just river rocks, and rocks that people use instead of mulch.  But then I joined the little schoolastic rock collecting club.  They would send me new stones every month.  This club is how I got my first amethyst chunk.  I still have it and I work with it whenever I try to meditate. 

I also had a love of magic.  Not the magic I have come to know now, but stage magic.  I loved seing the Vegas shows on tv and the magicians that would perform at my school.  It just lit up a part of me I didn't know existed.

Another factor, was my love of books.  Especially Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.  Harry Potter was real to me and so was the magic.  I loved it, even though being able to wave a magic wand and petrify/paralye your friend seemed totally crazy to me.  But it felt right deep down.

When I moved to SC, I felt I was pushed aside. I wasn't able to ask my parents the questions I needed to ask and I wasn't able to express my emotions.  So eventually I turned to cutting.  At first they were just little ones, on my ankle and on my hip bone.  And for a while it let out the burning emotions I was unable to express or control.

When I went to high school I met the person who would become my closest friend, my first lover, and my first teacher.  He read the poetry that I refused to share with anyone else and he saw the longing I had for something more in my soul.  He also knew about my fascination with crystals.  One day he asked to borrow my favorite crystals, and I knew he wouldn't hurt me or my stones so I let him have them.  I chose a two rose quarts, and a tiger eye and a piece of hematite.  I parted with my crystals and thought nothing of it.  He brought them back to me a few days later and I could feel the difference just by waving my hands over them.  He explained to me the he was Wiccan and that he had blessed each of my crystals for different purposes.  The rose quarts were blessed for astral projection (a concept I knew nothing about the time), the tiger eye for courage, and the hematite for protection. I knew from this day on that Wicca would forever be a part of me.

What I Cooked Tonight

At my house it usually comes down to take out, ramen, or whatever you choose to make.  I wanted something quick so I went for one of my known staples, Salmon and Orzo.

So this is frozen salmon that I get from Sam's Club. I would love to get fresh fish, but I'm jobless and everyone eats the food in the house.  I'm not going to buy my good fish for someone else to eat it.

This is just some Barilla orzo. You can get this from anywhere. I'm 98% sure I purchased mine from Walmart. Its the cheapest place to get food, outside of Ft. Jackson. And I don't feel like burning the gas to drive to post for one item.

 So this is where my seasoning comes in.  I think that a lot of pasta is bland without some sort of ooomph added to it.  So I use the concentrated chicken stock for my orzo water.  The rosemary-garlic seasoning mix and the garlic powder go on the salmon along with a little bit of butter.  From there all you have to do is manage to get the orzo and salmon close to being finished at the same time.  The orzo takes 9 minutes and the salmon takes a minimum of 15.  So I cook the orzo an extra two minutes and use a lid to strain it instead of a collander, that way when I'm done the salmon will be just about ready. 

 

I don't know how I did with this cooking lesson.  So let me know what you think and also leave me a link to your favorite recipe. I'd love to test some new things out in the kitchen while I pursue entrance into the military.

What Grinds My Gears

So my little brother got beat up at school today.  He got kicked in the stomach and in the back by some 3rd graders.  I am upset for multiple reasons.

1.) He didn't tell me.  I feel that my little brother should be able to tell me anything.

2.) He didn't tell the people at his Boys and Girls Club.  So these bullies are just going to get away with picking on my brother.

I really don't understand where this surge of bullying has come from.  Kids are fragile and sensitive enough from their home situations without other children being added to the mix.  I've been bullied by some of my own family members and I think this contributes to how I act.  I was always picked on about my teeth, so I eventually I had to get braces.  But now I feel weird smiling. 

I don't want my little brother to end up like me and be extremely self concious.

Random Extra Post

So as I'm sitting here waiting on my water to boil so I can make my special ramen, I figured I would just do a random post.  The more I write the sooner I will narrow down what sort of posts I will make the most.  I know some of them will be rants and some of them will be OOTD/MOTD.  I love clothes, shoes and makeup, so you know they will be in here!!!

A lot of my posts will be book related. I figure while I'm in between jobs, why not read A LOT. Its positive, fun and won't get me pregnant. Books are my first love.

Another chunk of my postings will be religious.  And if you don't like that I have a few places for you to kiss and to go.  I am bossed around enough in my own home about my religion, I'm not about to let it happen here. 

Oh and there will be food!

But if you can think of anything I should post about, let me know. 

Speaking of makeup here's what I did today.

Hi!

So this is just going to be a brief introduction to me.  I'm Shavonne aka dragons_heart on Instagram and this is my first blog.

So what can I tell you about me?

Um, as many people have already seen I am a bit of a shopoholic.  You will see thursday when I make a post of all the things I have managed to purchase without a job within a few weeks.

I'm extremely sensitive.  I cry really easy. My bf jokes that I can cry at the drop of a dime (I tested this it is NOT true).

I'm a Solitary Eccletic Wiccan that is forcably in the closet.  I live at home with my family currently and my mother is worried about me corrupting my little brother.  So I am "technically" not supposed to flaunt my religion around the house.  This means no pentacles, no incense, no books.  But again, you know I do. I don't think that I should be forced to be something I'm not just because you don't understand something.

So this is as simple as I can get it.  I don't know if there is a way to ask questions but if you can I'm more than willing to answer them.  And I absoloutely love to read and write so I think I was due for a blog.